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  1. Day 1 who am I?

    December 1, 2011 by The Author

    Today.  I begin my life again.

    I have to start where I am.

    I am not in a good place.  In fact I am in the darkest place I have ever been in.

    I am frightened and disabled and unable in many ways.

    I have preferred to sit on a chair most days and think or talk and not move.  I am on medications that help me to not swell up and keep my joints moving some.  Most of the medication I am on is not working all that well.

    I am on a drug called Methotrexate.  It makes me very sick and weak and dizzy.  It is generally used for people who have cancer and the funny thing about this drug is that it can actually give you cancer.  Perfect.  I am a woman whose mothers family has all passed away from cancer and whose mother has had breast cancer.


    I am also on Prednisone…a small dose but enough to prevent me sleeping and to make me unstable emotionally sometimes.

    I am suffering from a deep and debilitating depression and unable to work much.

    I can do some work from home.  I teach voice.  I am a singer.  However, sometimes the RA attacks my voice too and my fingers and makes even that work impossible.

    I can no longer do my “day job” in hair salons or backstage on Broadway shows or on film sets.   I cannot handle 8 or more hours using brushes, make up tools or just plain standing.  I cannot get up stairs.

    I cannot wash or dress myself most days.

    I cannot make coffee.

    I cannot type except with determination and much pain.

    I have applied for disability but have not received it yet.  We are in deep financial fear and my husband has begun to fail under the pressure of being the only money maker here.

    I am basically screwed.

    On top of that my eating disorder is totally out of control.  Binge eating has become a daily thing.  I don’t sleep.  I don’t eat well.  My mind is dark.  My spirit weak and the walls closing in.

    I have decided to begin to heal.

    To begin today.

    I have laid out an eating plan, vitamin plan, exercise plan, medication plan and more more more.

    I am here to accomplish it.

    So I begin.  I am determined now to be in bed before 4 AM and sleeping.

    I am determined to eat well and care for myself in a loving and kind way.

    I am determined to meet myself here in public daily to discuss it.

    It will keep me honest.

    Tomorrow’s breakfast will be oatmeal and fruit and I will actually put the damn Yoga tapes on.


    Tomorrow it begins.

    December 1.

    Body.  Mind.  Spirit.

    Tomorrow is Body.

    Tomorrow is eating and movement.

    I hope if anyone reads this they will find it easy to understand, enlightening and fun.

    Above all ….fun.

    I like to laugh.

    I am a Vegetarian, I am a great cook.  I love to eat.  I love to move. I love to dance. I have RA, I am a woman, I have a grown son, I have cats, I am a Pagan, I love life.  I am married and creative and more than a bit wild, liberal and free.  I am an artist.  A singer, actress, entertainer. I am a writer.  I am an explorer of life.  I am tattooed.  I am in menopause.  I love life.


    I have been all of these things and these things go with me on this ride.

    Who comes with please enjoy, write too, share.



    Here we go.






  2. Day 1 more

    December 1, 2011 by The Author

    Why the fuck do I eat so much when I watch the “Biggest Loser” on TV?  Wow.

    Good question and here is an article maybe explaining the phenomenon.\

    I am obviously not alone.

    Well.  Dealing with food addicition is probably going to be one of the main thrusts of my writing here.   I have a thearapist because I was becoming very depressed due to my RA.  I have been working on my eating disorder too.  I have an eating disorder.

    I am and have been dealing with an eating disorder for most of my life.

    I was always a chubby child.  I was a picky eater who was forced to eat LOTS of what I liked.  I learned early to fill my self more than I wanted to in order to please my family.  My father was a HUGE over eater and my mother was terribly addicted to sugar and was also a compulsive eater.

    My parents were very unhealthy as so many were in the era I grew up.  Cigarettes, red meat, coffee, sugar, fats of all sorts and no exersize.

    My father had his heart attack at 50 and dealt with its effects his whole life after and my mother still kicking after dealing with blow after blow brought on by her bad habits from Emphysema to Cancer.

    Makes me scared just writing this stuff.

    Both of them were/are diabetics too.

    I have not paid attention to this.  I have tried to ignore it.  I have tried like hell to not think about my own obesity and my own high cholesterol, high blood sugar, high blood pressure and more.

    I have quit smoking.  That was a good thing and one I did seven years ago.  I have been overweight and not doing much with my body since.

    I wonder sometimes how much that has to do with my RA.

    How much the yo-yo dieting has to do with it.

    How much the lack of exersize and peace of mind and just having a good space for myself to be in has contributed.

    I am sure so much.

    My mother struggles still with her eating.  Losing weight after my fathers’ death was easy for her.  He was really the culprit.  He lost weight and that kept him alive longer than most people with his problems but he never quit smoking and in the end it killed him.

    So I quit smoking.

    But I am still obese.

    Hard to say that.

    I was for a long time an anorexic.  I still am.

    Sounds weird to say no?


    I have no problem starving myself daily.  I do so daily.  I did not do this today.

    Today I actually ate something before dinner.

    Otherwise I do not eat.

    at all.

    I only eat when people are with me.  I suppose it has to do with proving I am eating.  Proving I am not sick.

    I am.

    I eat bits of food.  Enough to fill me for my medications.

    Today I ate oatmeal a big bowl of it and a banana.


    I hide all this.  I sit here.  Working from home now because of this illness and I don’t move.  I mean I don’t move.

    and I don’t eat.

    But when my husband gets here its business as usual.  I am dressed and the house is clean and there is food on the table.

    I eat then.

    OH boy do I eat.

    and then I eat all night.

    and into the early hours of the morning while watching The Biggest Loser on Hulu.

    So there.  I have admitted it.


    Still. At my age.

    Which is 50 by the way.  Same age as my father’s heart attack.

    My mother’s beginning of heart disease.



    Will my son say 50….when my mother stopped living?

    Hold for panic attack.


    I am not invincible.

    I used to be.

    I am sick and broken badly for the first time in my life.

    I didn’t think this would happen to me.



    I have so many resources in my hands.  I have studied dance, run, ridden bikes, yoga.  I have studied herbalism, aromatherapy.  I know how to meditate, to use magic, to use my mind to help others.  I read tarot, palms, stones.

    I can life coach anyone.

    Just not me.

    I have knowledge in medicine.  I don’t use it.

    I have become the fat, unhealthy, sick daughter of fat unhealthy sick parents.

    and my son has begun the same ride.

    In the article above it talks about a study where people ate more when they saw overweight people eat.

    and so.

    I have let that happen to me….and to my son.

    I have to stop this cycle now.  I stopped others.   I can stop this one.

    I refuse to roll to my death in pale sweaty sickness.


    This fucking disease….the disease I inherited from my family is way worse than just cancer and heart disease.

    This disease…the disease of fear and inherited panic and intimidation.

    This is the disease I fight.

    Yes it is OK for me to feed myself and care for my self.

    It is urgent.

    I am on it.








  3. Getting Organized

    December 2, 2011 by The Author

    Listening to music as I write.  I always do this.  It is Friday.  Friday means not much to me…just another day in a long line of days in a week… a month…a year.

    Working used to give me parameters.  I work.  Just don’t go out to a job.  So, going out to a job gave me parameters.  I have none now and that is bad.


    Where did I get it?

    Just found an article about that today.

    I have been exposed to all of those things.  We lived for three years on the third floor of a corner building with a bus stop beneath it.  I never stopped smelling exhaust fumes from the buses and from the cars.  Double parked, running engines under my window.


    and then there is the hair dye and the lipstick and the hair spray.

    I worked for 7 years in theater and film…..doing hair.

    and I have dyed my hair for all of my life.  For about 30 years.

    I smoked.  Grew up in a home with smokers.  I quit but still.

    I have had more stress in the past 25 years or so than anyone should.  I have always had stress.  Grew up in stress.

    Then there is the menopause.

    Almost at my anniversary of no period.  One year as of Christmas.

    So that is that.

    I have moved.  The house is cleaner and far from buses and cars and even my cats seem more healthy.  I do feel better here.  It is quieter so that helps too.  Less stress in that.  My 22 year old son is not living here now, with his Dad as he grinds through college.  I am less stressed there too.

    But stress is here.  How can I possibly no have stress when I can’t work?  I mean work for money like I used to have.  I have cut my earnings about 1400 dollars a month.


    Bet your ass.

    and my husband is stressed carrying that load alone and worrying about me.


    The medicine does it too.

    Having panic attacks lately too.  All of this stuff building up.

    Had one after writing yesterday.  Had it because I realized so much just typing here.

    So much.

    Reading Joel Furman’s “Eat to Live” again.  Eating to live.


    Eating to live is a great book.  Very easy to understand and very important to read.  I am reading it for the second time as I let my determination fail a bit lately.

    I am determined again.  The book details all of the reasons the American diet kills us and how to rectify that.

    Here is the link to his site if you are interested

    I plan on going on the juice fast when the holidays end.  I really do.

    I hope cleaning out all of this stuff will heal me.

    I have my vitamins on the table today.  I might take them.  They make me sick a bit and so I avoid them.

    But they are on the table.

    I bought running shoes.   I was going to sell my treadmill but I am not going to.  I bought a heavy hoodie and good socks.  I am out the door.  I must walk.  I will bring my cane but I am walking.

    I must walk away from this disease.  I must.

    I want to live.

    you see.

    I want to live.

    I am afraid of this thing and the weight and the fear makes me sicker.

    I don’t want to die like my father did.  I don’t want to be sick like my mother is.

    I want freedom from this all.

    To be thin, to be strong, to be healthy.

    That is what I want.

    This blog is already inspiring me to do it.




  4. I am an Empath. I am also Highly Sensitive

    December 5, 2011 by The Author

    You Scored as ArtistYou are an Artist Empath, one who creates their own reality and infuses the realities of others with your energy & emotions. You are poetic and sensitive. You turn your feelings into creations and share them with the world. Everything you touch turns to song and is freed by the color of your eyes. Your spirit dances with the winds and paints delight in the evening sky. (from the “Book of Storms” by Jad Alexander at

    Fallen Angel
    This was an interesting development happening recently.  I have been thinking much about my needs to please, my sensitivity and how I am  ungrounded to quote my High Priestess.  Working with my therapist on this from a mental point of view, my spirit work in grounding and hoping to find a way to have it all translate into my bodies reaction to this disease.
    RA.  Brought on by the onslaught of thousands of feelings that overwhelm me.
    Maybe be so.
    Continuing to research this and will write more on it when I can.  Meanwhile, here’s the address for the quiz above if you’d like to take it:

  5. Stress, Sleep and Hiding

    December 7, 2011 by The Author

    Not doing so well.  Having assumed I was in Menopause I find today that is not so!  Imagine!  No menstruation for months and bam.


    This has caused my RA to go haywire and I don’t want to tell anyone.  I am keeping quiet about it and hoping it all just passes.

    I am also getting a big run around from my doctor who I actually thought I could trust and who I did like, but who I do beleive I need to replace.  He sent me for a liver check weeks ago and I can’t get him on the phone to talk to me about the results or to let me know if I should be starting Humeria.  Not sure I want to start that med.  Causes some types of cancer just as all these drugs do.  I want to really try this naturally.

    However, I eat badly when I am stressed and that causes me to gain weight and that causes more pain.

    It is a terrible cycle.

    Christmas is fast approaching and it seems it will be a quiet one.  My son will for the first time in his life not be with me on the holiday.  I don’t like this at all but also I do.  I can have a peaceful day, actually sleep without guilt.

    Yes, there is always guilt around sleep for me.

    I need more than eight hours most nights but I don’t get to sleep till quite late.  I am here typing at 1:30 AM and won’t sleep most likely before 4.  I sleep that 8 – 9 hours and its 1 PM and the rest of the world is on to its LUNCH!  This includes my husband who definitely does not understand and assumes I am just lazy.

    More stress.

    I can’t sleep is the thing.  Not until he vacates the bed.  The pain in my arms and hands doesn’t allow me to gently waft off to sleep. It is like an ache mixed with ground glass in my joints.  No sleep comes or if it does I never sleep deeply, until he leaves.

    Sleep helps me though.

    I sometimes, lately more feel better when I sleep for a long time.

    Still, there is always things to do.  I take about 1 – 2 hours to be able to move well and sometimes more so appointments and other things end up way late.

    It is a terrible cycle but it is my life now.

    Eating badly.  Today was Methotrexate day.  I eat Heavy on this day to help my stomach not feel attacked by the medicine.  Another catch 22.

    and then the emotional eating starts….

    I see my self in the mirror and reflected in other’s eyes and I see a fat woman.

    I have eating issues that go back as far as childhood.  Over 40 years.

    Then there is money stress.  People stress.

    I just really want to sleep.

    So this day was a hard one.  Very much a hard one and I got through it.  Much crazy work and then all this other physical stuff heaped on.

    My hands are killing me, all my joints are.  Methotrexate day hurts the worst of all days.

    I tell no one.

    Well, I write here.

    Otherwise I hide it all not wanting to be a burden.


    But this must stop.



  6. Making a miracle.

    December 9, 2011 by The Author


    Writing so that hopefully you will find this and somehow my doings will help you.


    I promise you I will do my best in order to help you find your way to information and maybe…healing too.

    So here is the thing.  Yesterday my Rheumy finally called me to say that my liver is OK and that I can begin to take a Biologic called Humiera.  I think that is how you spell it.

    I have already been taking Methotrexate for over 6 months and guess what? ITS NOT WORKING!!

    So I have decided to NOT take Humiera and to find a new Rheumy.  I have one near to me who a friend recommended and another in also in NYC if I need.

    I don’t really need.

    I am going to see what they offer.  I do think they will offer nothing but these drugs I won’t take.

    And so.

    I am on my own it seems. This has strangely empowered me.  I am feeling better than I have in almost a year.  I hurt…sure…but I don’t hurt in my mind and that is most important.

    I am now determined to do this to fix this.  Sure, I have this thing but there is NO reason to live in misery.

    I read a few articles about not treating RA

    One here:

    I read an article yesterday about the Impressionist Painting Renoir:

    This was very interesting to me and very enlightening.  Now, certainly almost one hundred years after his death there is no reason for me to become as crippled as he did.  However, I can live with this thing.

    I don’t need to take Humeria.  Humeria is poison. It causes cancer.  CANCER!  Wow.

    Now here’s the thing.  RA can they think cause cancer too.  No one is sure if it’s the RA or it’s the drugs.  I am thinking its the drugs.  RA also adds to heart disease.


    got it.

    So I fight the heart disease by being thin and eating vegan and being the most fit I have ever been in my life.

    See if I stop taking the Methotrexate I will feel less sick.  It makes me sick for two or more days!! So, if I stop then I will feel better and I will be able also to take some pain killers so that I can move better and if I can move better then I can exercise and if I can do that….I am on my way.

    Have decided the only thing I want for Christmas is a months Bikram Yoga so that I can do heat and movement in the same place as well as meditation.  I also want more Russian Baths which I have found help me a great deal to de-tox.

    Here’s some in NYC:


    If there is NO baths where you live then a good sauna and steam room combo with some swimming is the way to go.


    Something I promise to do at least twice a week in the summer.  I was going to look into a pool but Coney Island NY is right here!!! To the beach I will go starting June.

    and everyday I should do Bikram Yoga  here’s why:

    and I have read more than this


    and a google search will reveal more.

    So…that is that.

    I also spent about a day …whole day and into the early morning researching.

    Here’s what I found.

    Vegan diet will help as will a diet rich in green vegetables and fruits.

    Juice fasts and fasting will help.

    Chiropractic will help.

    Massage will help.

    Acupuncture will help.

    Herbs will help.

    Meditation and prayer and positive thinking and organizing one’s life to find happiness and healing will also help.

    and so it is.

    Today….ate very little but went to my therapist who was very excited to hear about this all.  I did not exersize but did walk the 10 blocks to him and back with a spring in my limpy step.


    He recommended a book to me:
    When You’re Falling, Dive: Lessons in the Art of Living
    Mark Matousek


    Already in my Kindle.

    I have the walking shoes, I have the clothes.  I have the music in my IPOD and I am ready to spend my days getting better now….

    I have the information and I have hope for the first time in a long time.  I am no longer going to sit in a chair and eat meds that make me sicker.  I am going to get up and make a miracle.







  7. Magical Thinking and Happy Solstice

    December 21, 2011 by The Author


    Magical thinking and spirtual beleif.

    There is much to read on this subject if one wishes.

    But what is Magic?

    I am a Pagan I am Wiccan and therefore deal with Magic on a regular basis.  I create magic spells for people to purchase and they work.


    Because of beleif

    What you beleive will happen

    So I wonder then…what is it that stops me or others with Auto Immune diseases from doing magic and thinking magically?

    I pondered this for several days, read on it and talked to many about it but I have a story/answer that might help explain it.

    Today is Yule of Winter Solstice

    Many think today is the first day of Winter.  It can be.  Today is also the darkest day of the year, the day when the Earth is furthest from the sun.


    The day it begins its return back to Summer!

    Every day, from this point forward the sun is up longer, sets later and it begins again, the cycle of rebirth and death.

    So I took the opportunity this weekend past at a Yule celebration here in my home to state out loud in front of a group of close friends and family, in front of an altar full of candles  that I intend to beat this disease and be healed totally.

    I do.

    I have some little worries but I intend to over come them one by one.

    I will live with what I have now left and continue to improve as days get longer.

    Some around the circle were pleased to hear me say this and some, more skeptical could only say “good luck”.


    Here is exactly where I was standing.


    Happens when you beleive it will.  Magic happens when you visualize what you want daily with no doubts.  Magic exists and we make it.


    When we are children we beleive many things.  We know we are magical and work toward making it happen. We will things, and ask the cosmos for things and no one bothers to correct us.  Until that is the time when we get old enough to “know better”.  Sometime around the teenage years when we are told there is no Santa, no Easter Bunny and no magic.

    No magic?

    Ah but my friends there is.

    You see…you create your reality.  You create what you beleive will happen and what you belive will happen will.

    If you say I am healed.  You are.

    If you say I am sick.  You are.

    You are what you believe.

    Doing magic with candles, herbs and incense helps because it helps our reptile brain, our childs brain respond.  Light and scent and music and chanting help too.

    as does prayer.

    Writing on it helps.  Writing clearly what one wants helps.  Reading it every day helps too.

    Using affirmations helps.

    Living a life in love helps as touted by The Course in Miracles and Marrianne Williamson.

    Living a life in the vortex helps too.  Read about the miracles occuring when people stop fighting the desires they have and get in the waters and float!  Abraham brought forth by Esther Hicks is  a great help to listen to as well.


    So many ways to approach this “magic”.

    It can be through prayer beads, in a church, mosque, synagouge, open field around a fire, in meditation, in sex, in love space, in out body experiences and so much more.

    Today I am only talking about magic.  Magic in the witchcraft sense.

    But magic occurs everywhere.

    It might help tonight to wait if I can for the sun to rise….longest night and all behind me and realize that I am rising with that sun.

    Yes I am.

    I wish you a Blessed Solstice.

    and all the magic you can stand.




  8. My RA song of the day. Landslide. Sing for healing

    January 3, 2012 by The Author

    Can the child in my heart rise above?

    I am sure trying….

    Daily meditation, affirmations and one fantastic therapist helping me tremendously.  Feeling that perhaps the
    RA came from the suppression of my authentic self.  My dreams squashed.  Pain insued.

    So today its Fleetwood Mac and this song….all day.

    Singing helps.  Lifts the mood, aids in joint movement.  I swear it does.

    The more I sing the better I feel.  Give it a try.

    Whatever makes you feel good…makes you feel good all over. That includes joints!!!


    I took my love and I took it down
    I climbed a mountain and I turned around
    And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
    ‘Til the landslide brought me down

    Oh, mirror in the sky
    What is love?
    Can the child within my heart rise above?
    Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides?
    Can I handle the seasons of my life?

    Mmm Mmm… I don’t know… Mmm Mmm… Mmm Mmm…

    Well, I’ve been afraid of changing
    ‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
    But time makes you bolder
    Children get older
    I’m getting older too


    (Guitar solo)

    I’ve been afraid of changing
    ‘Cause I, I´ve built my life around you
    But time makes you bolder
    Children get older
    I’m getting older too…
    I’m getting older too…

    So, take this love, take it down
    Oh if you climb a mountain and you turn around
    If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
    Well the landslide will bring you down, down

    And If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
    Well maybe… The landslide will bring you down
    Well well… the landslide will bring you down



  9. Changing the name of RA to RAD Rheumatoid Auto Immune Disease.

    January 3, 2012 by The Author


  10. Thrive with RA and how to think like a healthy person

    January 9, 2012 by The Author

    Above is a link to a really nice website that points out that thriving with a disease is a good thing. I remember when my friends back in the late 80′s and early 90′s either had HIV or knew someone with it. I am in the theater and the AIDS crisis was all over the place taking down talented performers. I remember at fist that there was this fear in the eyes of those who got this news and a sort of resignation towards death. Now, many with HIV thrive well for many years and most see it as a controllable disease…similar to something like diabetis.

    Same with Cancer. My family has many problems with the big C. All of my Mom’s siblings developed it as did their cousins. At first when I was a little girl and it took my Grandmother it was seen as a terrible thing no one could even discuss because there was no cure, no hope, no light. Later in my life when one after another of my aunts developed cancer of different types we all prayed as now 3 of my mother’s siblings had it and now lost their fight. All of them gone. However, this time my aunt rallied. New drugs and surgeries and types of chemo really saved her. She is cancer free now for ten years. My mother got cancer too. OF course. She told me it was less problematic then the other diseases she had (emphysemia, heart failure) and took it like a pro. She is cancer free now for 3 years. I expect she will not die from it nor will it return.
    She told me she wanted to thrive even with her illnesses and especially the cancer.


    Changing the name to RAD or Rheumatic Auto Immune Disorder. That is a step in the right direction. For others out there to see this disease as the terrible life altering thing it is. To fight for recognition, yes and then to thrive with this disease.

    IN the past weeks I have been attempting to thrive. Work through pain and fears and take my meds although I still refuse to take biologics…after all…I DO not want to have to thrive with more than one disease and Biologics scare the logical part of me too much to play with.

    Still…days are better. Yes, swelling is gone and now I am moving better. Really. Better.

    Mind over matter.



    Yes and determined to do so.
    To feed myself well….gone totally vegan now.
    To move.
    To laugh.
    To Play
    To Have Sex…yes sex is important to us married RA folks
    To Work at what I love.
    Do what I love.

    Be loved and give love

    All of this is helping me thrive.

    Healthy people don’t think about disease because they don’t have a disease. They think about their lives.

    What you think about will happen and more thinking about sore joints, pain, worries about becoming a cripple make it so…and faster.

    Reading on the message boards more from older people who have had RA for tons of years and how they embrace each day and never give up.

    I am following in their footsteps.