Today. I begin my life again.
I have to start where I am.
I am not in a good place. In fact I am in the darkest place I have ever been in.
I am frightened and disabled and unable in many ways.
I have preferred to sit on a chair most days and think or talk and not move. I am on medications that help me to not swell up and keep my joints moving some. Most of the medication I am on is not working all that well.
I am on a drug called Methotrexate. It makes me very sick and weak and dizzy. It is generally used for people who have cancer and the funny thing about this drug is that it can actually give you cancer. Perfect. I am a woman whose mothers family has all passed away from cancer and whose mother has had breast cancer.
I am also on Prednisone…a small dose but enough to prevent me sleeping and to make me unstable emotionally sometimes.
I am suffering from a deep and debilitating depression and unable to work much.
I can do some work from home. I teach voice. I am a singer. However, sometimes the RA attacks my voice too and my fingers and makes even that work impossible.
I can no longer do my “day job” in hair salons or backstage on Broadway shows or on film sets. I cannot handle 8 or more hours using brushes, make up tools or just plain standing. I cannot get up stairs.
I cannot wash or dress myself most days.
I cannot make coffee.
I cannot type except with determination and much pain.
I have applied for disability but have not received it yet. We are in deep financial fear and my husband has begun to fail under the pressure of being the only money maker here.
I am basically screwed.
On top of that my eating disorder is totally out of control. Binge eating has become a daily thing. I don’t sleep. I don’t eat well. My mind is dark. My spirit weak and the walls closing in.
I have decided to begin to heal.
To begin today.
I have laid out an eating plan, vitamin plan, exercise plan, medication plan and more more more.
I am here to accomplish it.
So I begin. I am determined now to be in bed before 4 AM and sleeping.
I am determined to eat well and care for myself in a loving and kind way.
I am determined to meet myself here in public daily to discuss it.
It will keep me honest.
Tomorrow’s breakfast will be oatmeal and fruit and I will actually put the damn Yoga tapes on.
Tomorrow it begins.
Body. Mind. Spirit.
Tomorrow is Body.
Tomorrow is eating and movement.
I hope if anyone reads this they will find it easy to understand, enlightening and fun.
Above all ….fun.
I like to laugh.
I am a Vegetarian, I am a great cook. I love to eat. I love to move. I love to dance. I have RA, I am a woman, I have a grown son, I have cats, I am a Pagan, I love life. I am married and creative and more than a bit wild, liberal and free. I am an artist. A singer, actress, entertainer. I am a writer. I am an explorer of life. I am tattooed. I am in menopause. I love life.
I have been all of these things and these things go with me on this ride.
Who comes with please enjoy, write too, share.
Here we go.